Be Nice It's Tuesday


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Changes

A lot seems to have changed in my life recently.

Mid-September I left home again and moved into my new term-time house which I am renting with some amazing friends – it’s really starting to feel like home, and there haven’t been any arguments yet (even when we disagree about when the floors need cleaning). A week or so after moving in, my second year of university started. As well as being back to intense classes of German and Russian language, I’m doing modules of history and linguistics, and I’ve picked up Czech language. I’m enjoying the classes but it’s a lot of hard work, and I feel slightly like I’m drowning in an endless sea of vocab.

I’ve got back into the societies I was in last year, and am on the committee for my choir. Last week I went to an LGBT+ meeting for the first time, which was quite a big step for me. Also at the start if this term I started a new part-time job, and I am in the process of applying for two more.

A particularly exciting thing that’s happened is that I successfully asked someone out on a date. That was very scary, and I’m now nervous about meeting with him, I haven’t really done the whole dating thing before, in the past it’s taken so long for things to happen that we’ve just skipped straight to a fully formed relationship. But I resolved last summer to get better at doing things that scare me, and not just waiting and hoping things will happen, so I thought I should just go for it.

Finally, my family is currently very spread out, with one of my sisters in New Zealand for the next year. The other sister is in Edinburgh, not so far away, but still difficult enough to get to from Bristol that I don’t know when I’ll next see her. So I’m just trying my best to keep in contact with them as much as possible.

All of these changes are exciting, and I feel like I’m in a good place in my life right now, however they take up a lot of time and I am often very busy and tired. When I do have free time I usually watch Netflix or play my musical instruments. If I’m in the mood for writing I’m trying to write more of the piece of fiction I started over the summer (calling it a novel sounds too grand, but story sounds too juvenile). So as much as I want to keep blogging, and have loads of ideas, I just don’t really have the time and energy for it at the moment. I’m not giving up for good; I may post random things at odd times, and I hope to get properly back into it sometime, but for now I am freeing myself of the guilt I feel for not writing up any of the things I want to.

Until I write again, I hope everyone is doing well and staying positive, and don’t forget to keep smiling 🙂

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I need sincerity

I apologise in advance if I’m not very coherent in this. I need to get this off my chest, but I’m not sure I have quite the words to express how I’m feeling (especially in my slightly inebriated state).

I’m now back home from university, I’ve had the fun of relaxing back in my old room, the not-so-fun task of unpacking and being expected to help out a lot more again around the house. I’ve been to Scotland twice for my sisters’ graduations, and I’ve had the realising that I can’t spend the next few months just sitting around not doing much, so I joined a gym (only for 4 weeks, I haven’t changed completely) and am applying to volunteer in charity shops (more on that soon). And, of course, I’ve been trying to get back in touch with all my old friends from college and high school.

Last summer I was distraught at leaving my amazing old friends. We’d been through so much together, and I was so close to some of them, and I just thought I would miss them so much. I thought I’d never be able to make a proper connection with new friends who knew nothing about me, and in some ways I didn’t want to make new ‘best friends’, because it might mean the old ones weren’t as important. And yet, against all odds (or maybe inevitably), I have met some incredible people at uni, people I fit with so well that I now can’t believe I’ve only known them for less than a year. And I’ve been reminded of what I should have learnt three years ago, that there’s no limit to friendships. People come and go, that’s just how it happens, but each friendship or whatever kind of relationship is different and unique, and one doesn’t have to replace or negate another.

I loved my old friends, and I still do, but I always had some problems with them over the years. A few months ago I intended to write a post, but I don’t think I got round to it. I might still write it, but it was about realising with some of my new friends what I’ve been missing with my old friends; a sort of honest interest in me and what I have to say. And since getting home I’ve really noticed a lack of real emotion in a lot of my interactions with friends. I have one friend who kept promising that he would visit me at uni ‘every weekend’. I would say ‘you’re obviously not going to come every weekend, but please will you come at least once?’ to which he would reply ‘no, I’ll be there every weekend’. He didn’t come all year. He did visit a few other friends at uni (he had a year out). This annoyed me, but what annoys me most is that he can’t own up to the fact that he broke his promise; every time I mention it he says ‘mate, I was there every weekend, you were just never in’ (he doesn’t even know where my flat was). Another friend is renowned for lying about most things. She’s busy all summer, and she keeps saying she misses us and wants to be here. But the two times I’ve tried to visit her this year she’s had a reason why it won’t work, both of which I’ve later discovered were lies.

And then I have several friends who are very sarcastic people, who will never admit to things like actually liking their friends, or openly being kind and respectful. Most of the time I can put up with this. I laugh at the jokes, tease them back, ignore the insults, remind myself that they do care about me, that there have been so many times when I’ve really needed them and they’ve come through for me (and try to forget the times when they haven’t).

But sometimes it just gets too much. If people tell you enough times that they don’t actually like you, that what you have to say is boring, or turning down your ideas of things to do, and then combine that with feeling low about something else, or a time of low self esteem, or just it always being when you’ve drank a bit too much, you can start to believe what they’re saying. Basically, what I need is some of these friends to just tell me they’ve missed me, or that it’s nice to see me again. I need honest conversations where my friends can tell me what’s going on in their lives or their feelings without them having to be drunk and instantly pretend it didn’t happen – for instance one friend to tell me that his parents are splitting up, so I don’t feel awkward about knowing from somewhere else, or another to explain why he’s so insecure so I can help him. I want to do fun things with them other than going to the pub. I enjoy the laughing, joking banter, but I need people I can rely on, who are sincere with whom I can confidently talk about the things that matter to me. And as pathetic as this sounds, I just want certain of my friends to say to me ‘you are my friend. I value our friendship and I care about you.’

Please tell me in the comments if you’ve been through similar struggles. Please don’t tell me if you think I’m being too needy and pathetic because I’m not sure I can handle it today.


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People Change

This morning I was at Church and during the Peace I turned around and saw a boy who had been in the year below me at primary school sitting a few rows behind me. He was someone I hadn’t liked at school; he was rude and annoying and not at all my kind of person. But we smiled at each other and after the service I went over and had a little chat with him. It was very basic conversation, all the usual ‘How are A-Levels going?’ ‘Are you enjoying uni?’ ‘What are you going to do next year?’, but it was nice to catch up with someone I knew so long ago, and he was really friendly and polite.

A year or so ago I wrote a post on here which was a letter to someone I had been friends with for years, but actually hadn’t liked him for most of that time, and I finally felt he’d been too horrible to me too many times, and I was done with him. But mid-way through last summer I suddenly found that we were real friends again. I’m still a bit upset to think of some of the things he said, and it took a while to trust him as a friend, but we’ve both grown up a lot since then, and what remained was a friendship which has survived through a lot. On the last night of my summer holidays I said to him that I felt bad that I’d spent so long hating him, then ended up being so sad about moving away from each other. He replied that it was probably his fault, everything that had happened, and he was sorry. It was nice to have him say that, but I didn’t need it. I’d forgiven him months earlier without even realising what was happening.

When you move away for university (I’m sure this happens other times to, but uni is rather unique in that everyone leaves and comes back at the same times), it often makes you realise a lot about your friends. I’ve been surprised by missing some friends from home more than I expected, and some who I used to be close to but can know go months without talking to. I’ve also made new friends, some amazing friends who have made me realise how badly treated I was by some of my old friends. But I still love my old friends.

But the point is, people (especially young people) change so much. This can lead to people drifting apart; there are people I was inseparable from at one time who I now haven’t seen (or wanted to see) for years. But it also leads to becoming close friends – or just friendly acquaintances – with people you once thought you couldn’t stand the sight of.

I always hate the idea that there are people I will just never see again, but that does happen in life. In these days of social media it is easy to at least keep up to date on what people are doing, which I like, but I still try to stay properly in contact with as many people as possible. I’m lucky because my family and upbringing has been such that there are a lot of people from my past I still see around. A lot of my childhood friends were the children of my parents’ friends, I live in a small village with a strong community so I see people at events throughout the year. And my large but close circle of friends has meant I stay in touch with people even when I might not choose to; for instance that friend who I saw every day even when I disliked him so much, and I still regularly see both my exs which I know would be unthinkable to many people.

But as we grow up and people move away for good I know there will be a lot of friends I lose. But while I still see people from my past I will be sure to always be open, and remember that they are not the same person they were in the past. Because I discovered this morning that even with someone you have bad memories of, there is always a special connection to people if there is history there.

This has been slightly rambling, as I have so many thoughts about friends and growing up and changing and connections with people, but I hope you were able to follow it.

And Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it (if you don’t I wish you happiness anyway).


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My Life in Quotes #8

May 2015:
There’s a great big world out there, and I wanna see it,
There’s a great big world out there, there’s a place for me in it,
Though I’ll miss my mother and the friends I’ve known,
Oh the light burns out if you wait too long,
There’s a great big world I swear, and it’s waiting out there for me.

As we lie drunkenly just staring at the stars

June 2015:
Here’s to us, here’s to love, all the times that we messed up,
Here’s to you, raise a glass, ‘cos the last few nights have gone so fast,
If they give you hell, tell ‘em forget themselves,
Here’s to us.

But when you touch me like this,
And you hold me like that,
I just have to admit that it’s all coming back to me

Tonight we are young, so let’s set this world on fire, we can burn brighter, that the sun.

We won’t survive on this borrowed time, I don’t know what you’d wanna try

They tell me I’m too young to understand, they say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes, well that’s fine by me

So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older

Wish that I could stay forever this young, not afraid to close my eyes

Let’s toast ‘cos things got better

I’d rather be alone than unhappy.

July 2015:
I’ll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I won’t forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past, I’d whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket,
But I’ve gotta get a move on with my life.

I hope you know that this is nothing to do with you.

Drinking old cheap bottles of wine, sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven’t for a while.
Smiling but we’re close to tears, even after all these years.

Remember the time when we stole the whole day, and nobody knows it, we took it away,
And it will be forever yours, and it will be forever mine,
Now we own the night and it can’t be undone, we’ll never forget how it feels to be young.

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. I would also like to add that these are purely quotes I have related to at a specific time, and not because I necessarily approve of the person or place they come from 🙂 Click here for the next instalment.


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My Life in Quotes #7

February 2015:
I will always hold for you a place within my heart.

I lean in to kiss you, and I get no warning, as we both forget the world.

March 2015:
The days move so slowly but the years they fly by,
There are moments that each of us would like to rewind.

April 2015:
When did life become so complicated? Years of too much thought and time I wasted

When did life become this place of madness? Drifting on an empty sea of waves and sadness?
I make believe I’m in control, and dream it wasn’t all my fault.

When your feet don’t touch the ground, when your voice won’t make a sound.
Here, it’s safe, in this place, up off the clouds.
When your feet don’t touch the earth, you can’t feel the fates that hurt
And you’re free, there’s no need to come down. 

Everyday just feels a little longer, why am I the only one not getting stronger?
Running around pretending life’s a play, it doesn’t make the darkness go away.
I may be young but I can still remember, feeling full of joy, crying tears of laughter
Now all my tears are all cried out, make believe, but count me out.
‘Cause my feet are on the ground, and the inner voice I found tells the truth,
“There’s no use, if your head’s in the clouds”
With my feet on solid earth, I can face the fates that hurt,
And in time, I’ll be fine, I’ll come ’round.

Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up, could still be little
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up, it could still be simple

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.


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My Life in Quotes #6

November 2014:
And I wasn’t looking for a promise or commitment, but it was never just fun and I thought you were different.
This is not the way you realise what you wanted, it’s a bit too much, too late if I’m honest.

And all that we ignored was opened to our eyes
And we’ll be complicated, complicated, complicated,
They said we would be complicated, complicated, complicated they said.

We’ve bent the rules, played the games, and never said we felt the same.
We ended things like we began, and feared what we became

Oh, we’ll have to go, back to the way that we were,
Before we were us, before I was me,
Before we were happier than I’ve ever been, than you’ll ever see,
‘Cause that’s the way it has to be.

Oh I hate those voices telling me I’m not enough anymore,
But they don’t give me a choice and that’s what these tears are for.

December 2014:
And any secret I’ve been keeping, I wanna tell you right now.

Sometimes it’s hard to close a door, the future can be cold,
Another year has turned and you’re not here.

January 2015:
I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that
Every time I don’t, I almost do.

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.

At least I fucking tried

I may be down but I’m coming back fighting.

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.


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My Life in Quotes #4

April 2014:
Will we ever say the words we’re feeling, reach down underneath and tear down all the walls?

Love and loss,
The truth it costs
More than I can spare right now,
Maybe it’s simpler to lie…

And we break down,
And we lose touch,
And sometimes,
We are alone.

May 2014:
Don’t hold me too tightly ‘cos I’ll be reminded of why I wanted you here,
And the last thing I need is for you to believe that there’s anything left that could change,
How I feel

I don’t want it to seem like I don’t care,
It just gets hard for me out there.

 

And I know that I’m making excuses here and not reasons,
And I’ve done you wrong and I’m sorry, I hope you can tell.

When you’re out, on your own,
When you need some time to decide,
Whether you are strong enough,
Whether you should give up or fight,
As you stand on your own, here’s hoping you’ll find It’s a good day, it’s a good day to be alive.

I’m trading places with the person that I thought I was before.

I am fine, I am fine, this could be so much worse.

June 2014:
There were parts of me that loved you, but they ran away too soon,
I am sorry if I hurt you, that wasn’t my intent.

It never gets easier, you just get stronger.

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.