Be Nice It's Tuesday

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Dating as an Asexual

As you may be aware, this week has been asexuality awareness week. If you’re now asking yourself what that is, well I’ve made you aware – now go and find out more, there is so much info on the internet (maybe start with AVEN). I am asexual, and there is lots that I could, have, or hopefully will write about it, but today I’m going to focus on one thing which has been happening recently in my life.

I mentioned in my last post that I had asked someone out on a date. This was quite a big deal for me, as I’ve never really done the dating thing before – I’ve had two fairly long term relationships, but both times they’ve been someone I saw every day at school/ college, so by the time we got together we knew each other very well and skipped straight to the relationship. But I went on a few dates with this guy, and I’ll admit there were some fairly awkward moments, but I think that’s inevitable, and in general it was going well.

But I did have a slight problem, in that all the time when I was seeing him I had it hanging over me that at some point I was going to have to talk to him about my asexuality. This is something that most people don’t have to deal with – coming out to someone they’re dating and telling them that they will probably never have sex (I realise this isn’t the case for all asexuals, but it is for me). I didn’t know how to bring it up, or what to say – what if he didn’t understand what it is? I’m still not really comfortable going into great detail about it, and I think neither of us are people who find it easy to talk about meaningful, personal things like that. And it’s so hard to know when to bring it up – too soon and you might scare someone off, too late and they might think they’re getting some action when you genuinely just want to watch Netflix with them. I also hadn’t done this before; my previous boyfriends had been before I realised I was ace and I just said I wasn’t ready for sex.

In this case though, that problem was partially solved for me as the situation with this person and the number of mutual friends we have required us to have the ‘where is this going’ conversation earlier than I might otherwise have done. I felt like I couldn’t really get into the right way of feeling to potentially have a relationship without having first told him that I’m ace, more for my benefit than his really. I laid some groundwork by getting a friend to casually bring up asexuality awareness week when he was around, to ensure that he (and other friends) knew what it’s all about. And then when I met up with him this week we had a conversation, and I told him.

I was so nervous, it had become a really massive thing in my head. Over the past year I had become so convinced that it was going to be very hard to ever find someone willing to date me once I told them that, and I could sort of cope with that while it was in the abstract, but now here was this real person who I really liked, and I had no idea how he was going to respond to what I had to tell him. What if he just left? What is he said it was fine then changed his mind? What if he was annoyed with me for not telling him sooner? But, after a very long pause of me trying to speak and no words coming out, I did it. And his response was ‘I know, I heard you talking about it at that party’ (which, by the way, was just before I asked him out in the first place). We had a bit of a chat about it and, while I’m not quite sure what we decided about whether we are now in a relationship or still just seeing each other, at least that is all sorted out, and it is such a relief to have it out there. As he said ‘It’s good to be straight with each other about these things. Or rather, not.’

This isn’t meant to be a story with a proper message or information in. These things happen differently to everyone, so I’m not going to generalise my situation to other people. But I think this is a topic where there are a lot of misconceptions and confusions, so the more different, real stories that are out there, the better. I know I was desperate to hear of asexuals who had success in dating, so I hope my experience can encourage other people.

Whether or not you are ace, I wish you a happy asexuality awareness week, and hope things are going well for everyone.


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My Life in Quotes #10

October 2015:
We made quite a mess babe, it’s probably better off this way,
And I confess babe, in my dreams you’re touching my face,
and asking me if I want to try again, with you.
And I almost do.

Missing you, is all that needs to be said

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life,
It’s like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right.

These streets have too many names for me…I’ll get used to this eventually I know

I’m on the road, the road to home

November 2015:
Here’s to my new friends, a toast to the weekend,
It’s time to begin again, so here’s to my new friends

And what’s one more day? This distance remains hard for me.

Though I am far away, and I am all alone,
There are parts of me, that still are holding on,
To moments long since passed, secrets I recall,
And friends I used to have, who I don’t know any more

And when I dream, I’m not in [Memphis], I’m on my way, home on that train.
And I don’t feel so lost and distant, Lord the miles, how they cut me deep.

I miss you, more than I let on, I kiss you, far too long,
I’ll let go, as soon as you do, see I know, we’re not through

December 2015:
Thank you, and goodnight, I’ve got a new mountain to climb…
I’m no longer scared, I’m just so glad you were there.

It’ll all be alright, I’ll be home tonight, I’m coming back home

We’ll meet our friends, drinking in the [Swan], I don’t know where time’s gone

And I’d tell you that I miss you but I’m sure it doesn’t matter at all

I have felt no better feeling, than the glow the home fire brings

I am not the way, I’d hoped to be

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. If you want to read the posts in this series in order, start here. Click here for the next instalment (once it is published).

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My Life in Quotes #8

May 2015:
There’s a great big world out there, and I wanna see it,
There’s a great big world out there, there’s a place for me in it,
Though I’ll miss my mother and the friends I’ve known,
Oh the light burns out if you wait too long,
There’s a great big world I swear, and it’s waiting out there for me.

As we lie drunkenly just staring at the stars

June 2015:
Here’s to us, here’s to love, all the times that we messed up,
Here’s to you, raise a glass, ‘cos the last few nights have gone so fast,
If they give you hell, tell ‘em forget themselves,
Here’s to us.

But when you touch me like this,
And you hold me like that,
I just have to admit that it’s all coming back to me

Tonight we are young, so let’s set this world on fire, we can burn brighter, that the sun.

We won’t survive on this borrowed time, I don’t know what you’d wanna try

They tell me I’m too young to understand, they say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes, well that’s fine by me

So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older

Wish that I could stay forever this young, not afraid to close my eyes

Let’s toast ‘cos things got better

I’d rather be alone than unhappy.

July 2015:
I’ll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I won’t forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past, I’d whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket,
But I’ve gotta get a move on with my life.

I hope you know that this is nothing to do with you.

Drinking old cheap bottles of wine, sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven’t for a while.
Smiling but we’re close to tears, even after all these years.

Remember the time when we stole the whole day, and nobody knows it, we took it away,
And it will be forever yours, and it will be forever mine,
Now we own the night and it can’t be undone, we’ll never forget how it feels to be young.

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. I would also like to add that these are purely quotes I have related to at a specific time, and not because I necessarily approve of the person or place they come from 🙂 Click here for the next instalment.

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My Life in Quotes #7

February 2015:
I will always hold for you a place within my heart.

I lean in to kiss you, and I get no warning, as we both forget the world.

March 2015:
The days move so slowly but the years they fly by,
There are moments that each of us would like to rewind.

April 2015:
When did life become so complicated? Years of too much thought and time I wasted

When did life become this place of madness? Drifting on an empty sea of waves and sadness?
I make believe I’m in control, and dream it wasn’t all my fault.

When your feet don’t touch the ground, when your voice won’t make a sound.
Here, it’s safe, in this place, up off the clouds.
When your feet don’t touch the earth, you can’t feel the fates that hurt
And you’re free, there’s no need to come down. 

Everyday just feels a little longer, why am I the only one not getting stronger?
Running around pretending life’s a play, it doesn’t make the darkness go away.
I may be young but I can still remember, feeling full of joy, crying tears of laughter
Now all my tears are all cried out, make believe, but count me out.
‘Cause my feet are on the ground, and the inner voice I found tells the truth,
“There’s no use, if your head’s in the clouds”
With my feet on solid earth, I can face the fates that hurt,
And in time, I’ll be fine, I’ll come ’round.

Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up, could still be little
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up, it could still be simple

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.

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My Life in Quotes #6

November 2014:
And I wasn’t looking for a promise or commitment, but it was never just fun and I thought you were different.
This is not the way you realise what you wanted, it’s a bit too much, too late if I’m honest.

And all that we ignored was opened to our eyes
And we’ll be complicated, complicated, complicated,
They said we would be complicated, complicated, complicated they said.

We’ve bent the rules, played the games, and never said we felt the same.
We ended things like we began, and feared what we became

Oh, we’ll have to go, back to the way that we were,
Before we were us, before I was me,
Before we were happier than I’ve ever been, than you’ll ever see,
‘Cause that’s the way it has to be.

Oh I hate those voices telling me I’m not enough anymore,
But they don’t give me a choice and that’s what these tears are for.

December 2014:
And any secret I’ve been keeping, I wanna tell you right now.

Sometimes it’s hard to close a door, the future can be cold,
Another year has turned and you’re not here.

January 2015:
I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that
Every time I don’t, I almost do.

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.

At least I fucking tried

I may be down but I’m coming back fighting.

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.

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My Life in Quotes #5

July 2014:
And I made myself so strong again somehow.

Don’t wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.

September 2014:
Now I’m trying to forget him,
Though I feel him in my bones,
And I wonder if he thinks of me at all.

Es tut nur weh, nein, ich will keinen Mann

October 2014:
Well I can’t say that I love you,
I can’t say that I don’t,
I can’t say that I couldn’t,
And I won’t say that I won’t.

Cause when the lights are blinding, I don’t mind it, if you require my shade,
But when the nights are darkest, all I want is for you to shine my way.
And if the only thing that keeps you here, is some echo in the dark,
Let’s set the city in motion, before we fall apart.

Look my eyes are dry, the gift was ours to borrow, it’s as if we always knew,
And I won’t forget what I did for love, what I did for love.

Ooh how I miss you, my symphony played the song that carried you out
Ooh how I miss you, and I, I miss you and I wish you’d stayed

Here’s to us, here’s to love, and all the times that we messed up.

So raise your hands, and celebrate with me
Raise your voice, and sing along, oh please
Raise your glass, cause we all could use a drink sometimes
Celebrate cause life is fine

Don’t, don’t let it start, though in your heart, each step we take, takes us too far,
Don’t, don’t fall for this, from the first kiss we’d start to loose, loose who we are.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

You may have noticed two things in this post. There is a quote here which I’ve already used in one of these (gasp shock horror). I’m not just losing track, it’s a very powerful quote which I have found myself relating to a few times in my life. It may even come up again at some point. Also there is a quote in German, yes I like to listen to Disney songs in German and this line was much better than the English equivalent line. And no I’m not going to translate it for you 😉 . As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment (once it is published).

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My Life in Quotes #4

April 2014:
Will we ever say the words we’re feeling, reach down underneath and tear down all the walls?

Love and loss,
The truth it costs
More than I can spare right now,
Maybe it’s simpler to lie…

And we break down,
And we lose touch,
And sometimes,
We are alone.

May 2014:
Don’t hold me too tightly ‘cos I’ll be reminded of why I wanted you here,
And the last thing I need is for you to believe that there’s anything left that could change,
How I feel

I don’t want it to seem like I don’t care,
It just gets hard for me out there.


And I know that I’m making excuses here and not reasons,
And I’ve done you wrong and I’m sorry, I hope you can tell.

When you’re out, on your own,
When you need some time to decide,
Whether you are strong enough,
Whether you should give up or fight,
As you stand on your own, here’s hoping you’ll find It’s a good day, it’s a good day to be alive.

I’m trading places with the person that I thought I was before.

I am fine, I am fine, this could be so much worse.

June 2014:
There were parts of me that loved you, but they ran away too soon,
I am sorry if I hurt you, that wasn’t my intent.

It never gets easier, you just get stronger.

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.