Be Nice It's Tuesday

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A lot seems to have changed in my life recently.

Mid-September I left home again and moved into my new term-time house which I am renting with some amazing friends – it’s really starting to feel like home, and there haven’t been any arguments yet (even when we disagree about when the floors need cleaning). A week or so after moving in, my second year of university started. As well as being back to intense classes of German and Russian language, I’m doing modules of history and linguistics, and I’ve picked up Czech language. I’m enjoying the classes but it’s a lot of hard work, and I feel slightly like I’m drowning in an endless sea of vocab.

I’ve got back into the societies I was in last year, and am on the committee for my choir. Last week I went to an LGBT+ meeting for the first time, which was quite a big step for me. Also at the start if this term I started a new part-time job, and I am in the process of applying for two more.

A particularly exciting thing that’s happened is that I successfully asked someone out on a date. That was very scary, and I’m now nervous about meeting with him, I haven’t really done the whole dating thing before, in the past it’s taken so long for things to happen that we’ve just skipped straight to a fully formed relationship. But I resolved last summer to get better at doing things that scare me, and not just waiting and hoping things will happen, so I thought I should just go for it.

Finally, my family is currently very spread out, with one of my sisters in New Zealand for the next year. The other sister is in Edinburgh, not so far away, but still difficult enough to get to from Bristol that I don’t know when I’ll next see her. So I’m just trying my best to keep in contact with them as much as possible.

All of these changes are exciting, and I feel like I’m in a good place in my life right now, however they take up a lot of time and I am often very busy and tired. When I do have free time I usually watch Netflix or play my musical instruments. If I’m in the mood for writing I’m trying to write more of the piece of fiction I started over the summer (calling it a novel sounds too grand, but story sounds too juvenile). So as much as I want to keep blogging, and have loads of ideas, I just don’t really have the time and energy for it at the moment. I’m not giving up for good; I may post random things at odd times, and I hope to get properly back into it sometime, but for now I am freeing myself of the guilt I feel for not writing up any of the things I want to.

Until I write again, I hope everyone is doing well and staying positive, and don’t forget to keep smiling 🙂


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I need sincerity

I apologise in advance if I’m not very coherent in this. I need to get this off my chest, but I’m not sure I have quite the words to express how I’m feeling (especially in my slightly inebriated state).

I’m now back home from university, I’ve had the fun of relaxing back in my old room, the not-so-fun task of unpacking and being expected to help out a lot more again around the house. I’ve been to Scotland twice for my sisters’ graduations, and I’ve had the realising that I can’t spend the next few months just sitting around not doing much, so I joined a gym (only for 4 weeks, I haven’t changed completely) and am applying to volunteer in charity shops (more on that soon). And, of course, I’ve been trying to get back in touch with all my old friends from college and high school.

Last summer I was distraught at leaving my amazing old friends. We’d been through so much together, and I was so close to some of them, and I just thought I would miss them so much. I thought I’d never be able to make a proper connection with new friends who knew nothing about me, and in some ways I didn’t want to make new ‘best friends’, because it might mean the old ones weren’t as important. And yet, against all odds (or maybe inevitably), I have met some incredible people at uni, people I fit with so well that I now can’t believe I’ve only known them for less than a year. And I’ve been reminded of what I should have learnt three years ago, that there’s no limit to friendships. People come and go, that’s just how it happens, but each friendship or whatever kind of relationship is different and unique, and one doesn’t have to replace or negate another.

I loved my old friends, and I still do, but I always had some problems with them over the years. A few months ago I intended to write a post, but I don’t think I got round to it. I might still write it, but it was about realising with some of my new friends what I’ve been missing with my old friends; a sort of honest interest in me and what I have to say. And since getting home I’ve really noticed a lack of real emotion in a lot of my interactions with friends. I have one friend who kept promising that he would visit me at uni ‘every weekend’. I would say ‘you’re obviously not going to come every weekend, but please will you come at least once?’ to which he would reply ‘no, I’ll be there every weekend’. He didn’t come all year. He did visit a few other friends at uni (he had a year out). This annoyed me, but what annoys me most is that he can’t own up to the fact that he broke his promise; every time I mention it he says ‘mate, I was there every weekend, you were just never in’ (he doesn’t even know where my flat was). Another friend is renowned for lying about most things. She’s busy all summer, and she keeps saying she misses us and wants to be here. But the two times I’ve tried to visit her this year she’s had a reason why it won’t work, both of which I’ve later discovered were lies.

And then I have several friends who are very sarcastic people, who will never admit to things like actually liking their friends, or openly being kind and respectful. Most of the time I can put up with this. I laugh at the jokes, tease them back, ignore the insults, remind myself that they do care about me, that there have been so many times when I’ve really needed them and they’ve come through for me (and try to forget the times when they haven’t).

But sometimes it just gets too much. If people tell you enough times that they don’t actually like you, that what you have to say is boring, or turning down your ideas of things to do, and then combine that with feeling low about something else, or a time of low self esteem, or just it always being when you’ve drank a bit too much, you can start to believe what they’re saying. Basically, what I need is some of these friends to just tell me they’ve missed me, or that it’s nice to see me again. I need honest conversations where my friends can tell me what’s going on in their lives or their feelings without them having to be drunk and instantly pretend it didn’t happen – for instance one friend to tell me that his parents are splitting up, so I don’t feel awkward about knowing from somewhere else, or another to explain why he’s so insecure so I can help him. I want to do fun things with them other than going to the pub. I enjoy the laughing, joking banter, but I need people I can rely on, who are sincere with whom I can confidently talk about the things that matter to me. And as pathetic as this sounds, I just want certain of my friends to say to me ‘you are my friend. I value our friendship and I care about you.’

Please tell me in the comments if you’ve been through similar struggles. Please don’t tell me if you think I’m being too needy and pathetic because I’m not sure I can handle it today.

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My Life in Quotes #10

October 2015:
We made quite a mess babe, it’s probably better off this way,
And I confess babe, in my dreams you’re touching my face,
and asking me if I want to try again, with you.
And I almost do.

Missing you, is all that needs to be said

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life,
It’s like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right.

These streets have too many names for me…I’ll get used to this eventually I know

I’m on the road, the road to home

November 2015:
Here’s to my new friends, a toast to the weekend,
It’s time to begin again, so here’s to my new friends

And what’s one more day? This distance remains hard for me.

Though I am far away, and I am all alone,
There are parts of me, that still are holding on,
To moments long since passed, secrets I recall,
And friends I used to have, who I don’t know any more

And when I dream, I’m not in [Memphis], I’m on my way, home on that train.
And I don’t feel so lost and distant, Lord the miles, how they cut me deep.

I miss you, more than I let on, I kiss you, far too long,
I’ll let go, as soon as you do, see I know, we’re not through

December 2015:
Thank you, and goodnight, I’ve got a new mountain to climb…
I’m no longer scared, I’m just so glad you were there.

It’ll all be alright, I’ll be home tonight, I’m coming back home

We’ll meet our friends, drinking in the [Swan], I don’t know where time’s gone

And I’d tell you that I miss you but I’m sure it doesn’t matter at all

I have felt no better feeling, than the glow the home fire brings

I am not the way, I’d hoped to be

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. If you want to read the posts in this series in order, start here. Click here for the next instalment (once it is published).

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Random Ramblings

Yesterday I had my first written exam of the summer – I’d already had all my speaking an listening and essays. But this was quite a big and stressful one, it was Russian Language. I’ve only been studying Russian since September, and it is rather hard, and I was convinced that I was going to fail the exam. But it didn’t actually seem as bad as I’d expected, so fingers crossed. I still have Russian History, German History and German Language to come over the next couple of weeks, but I decided to give myself the day off today. Partly because last night I had a night in with my Biology friends, who I love hanging out with, but we drank quite a lot so I wasn’t up to much this morning.

But one thing I have done today is file away all my Russian language work from the year, take down my revision posters from it etc., and start thinking about how I’m going to pack up my uni room as it’s only a few weeks now until I move out. It’s feeling very strange, the way the end of the year has suddenly crept up on me like this. I’m glad I’m on a 4 year course, it’s weird enough being almost 1/4 of the way through uni, let alone 1/3. Obviously I’m not going to be as emotional about leaving my halls as I was about moving in; I have grown to feel quite at home in my little room and flat here, but it hasn’t been perfect, it’s only been a year, and I am so excited to be moving into a house with some amazing friends. I’m starting to plan some exciting things for the summer – nothing fully sorted yet, but getting there. And there are other exciting things I’ve got lined up for next academic year; I’m the new treasurer of the choir I’m in, and I’ve just got a job as a peer mentor starting in September. So basically, everything is very exciting, but I am still getting a bit emotional about all the changes, as I always do.

Other than exams, I have recently been spending a lot of time on trains, going up and down the country – Yorkshire to Bristol, then to Edinburgh and St. Andrews, then back to Bristol, then Yorkshire, now I’m back in Bristol again. I went to visit my sisters in Scotland which was good, a while since we’ve done anything just the three of us. Then I went home to surprise my mum for her birthday. She also shares a birthday with my two best friends at home, so I got to see them both too. I’d never done the surprise visit before, it’s great fun. I don’t mind trains too much, and it is great to be able to get to all the places, but I have been on quite a few delayed ones recently. Most notably, I had to go via Reading to get between Bristol and Birmingham because of a problem last week. If you’re not from the UK that won’t mean much to you, but it was quite a big detour. On the plus side, I should be getting some money back.

Think that’s all from me for now, I hope you’re all doing well in whatever exams/work/personal challenges you have going on in your lives right now 🙂

Oh, and I know what I forgot. This blog turned two on Monday, which is a nice achievement for me. Thanks to anyone who’s ever read anything I’ve written, it means a lot.

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Thursday Chat

Today is a Thursday, which is often one of my more relaxed days, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to just write a general post about my life at the moment.

On Thursdays I have two classes, the first is Russian speaking at 9am, which I have been struggling with lately as my pronunciation keeps being criticised. However today’s assessment went a lot better than the last one, so that was good. I then have a two hour gap, during which I sit with some course mates and do work, before our Russian aural class, which is also quite hard. But then by 1 o’clock I am finished at uni and can come back to my flat. Then I never have too much work that urgently needs doing for Friday, which is why I can afford to take it easy.

I have quite a lot of exciting things going on in my life at the moment. Last weekend one of my old school friends got married! Unfortunately I couldn’t be there because trains are so expensive, but I wish them all the best. I still can’t get my head round the fact that we were in classes together less than three years ago, and now I’m still just going to classes while she has a husband and a house and pets. I goes to show what different paths people’s lives can take.

One thing I do need to do this evening is pack a bag. Tomorrow I am going to London for the weekend, because my sister and I have tickets to the West End closing night of Miss Saigon (it was her Birthday and Christmas present from me). I’m so excited to see one of my favourite musicals for (probably) the last time, and it will be lovely to get away for a weekend and see my sister and other family.

I’ve started planning holidays for this spring and summer. I’ve been saving all year hoping to go inter-railing, but then I realised I didn’t really have anyone to go with, and there were other issues with it. That’s still a possibility, but I am going to Switzerland for a few days with my parents over Easter, and my sisters and I might go away together in the summer.

Before Christmas I had found a group of people to live with next year, but we were having a lot of trouble finding a house – they disappear so quickly when all the students are trying to rent at the same time. But we finally found one which isn’t perfect, but it’s very nice and I now can’t wait to move in with these friends and have an actual house.

One slight blight in my life at the moment is the lack of bourbon creams. A big biscuit factory in Britain was flooded a month or so ago, so there is a shortage of biscuits such as bourbons and custard creams. To be honest, I’m surprised Britain is still functioning.

As I hope you can tell, I’m doing well at the moment and am happier than I was a month ago. Now I should probably go and do some of the work I’ll miss over the weekend, or at least practise my cello. But it’s more likely I’ll watch another episode of Death in Paradise.

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A Lack of Cheer

Hello there

You may have noticed a lack of exciting, varied, inspiring posts on this blog lately. I did say at the end of the summer that I would be posting less now I’m all busy with uni, but I had still hoped to write more than this, and I want to explain why I haven’t.

When I started this blog I was at a point in my life where I was starting to feel properly happy, on a day to day basis. It was about a year after my best friend had died, and while I hadn’t been completely, constantly upset and mourning her for that whole year, it was like her death reset my default mood. So how I felt when there was nothing happening to change my mood was just not as good as how it had been at an earlier point in my life. I was fine, but it just took that little bit more to make me happy, and didn’t take much for me to feel very sad. After breaking up with my boyfriend who I’d been heavily relying on, I had to really work to be happy again. I started really focussing on happiness in my life, I did the #100HappyDays challenge, I started this blog, and I did get to that point. I still missed my friend a lot, thought about her every day, and that often made me sad. But in general I was optimistic and cheerful. I would still have swapped my life for hers in an instant, but since that couldn’t be done, I set about loving the life which I did have. And I wrote this blog to spread that feeling, I wanted to make other people happy, and help them if they weren’t.

Lately, I’m afraid I’ve been doing not so good again. I’ve moved half way across the country and despite all the wonderful things here it doesn’t feel right. I miss that friend more than ever and think about all the things I should have done to help her all the time. Although we never spoke about her much, I miss being around people who knew her/about her, and in places where she’d been. I feel so far away from her. I can’t relate her to my life now because, like it or not, I’m an adult, life is different and I can’t know what kind of adult she would be. I miss my old friends and my old life. And that cheerful person who sees the good in everything is not me at the moment.

And the thing is, I realised what part of the problem is. I miss the way things used to be so much that a deep part of me doesn’t want to be happy and settled here, because that means accepting that the past is really gone. It was the same before; I had told her so many times that I couldn’t live without her, it seemed wrong that I was doing so. I didn’t want to close to new friends because doing so meant letting her go a little bit.

I got to the point before where I finally accepted I had to be happy. But even having realised this, I don’t feel like I can do it right now.

I am trying, but I know it has got to come from me, and it is hard. But I will get there again one day.

In the meantime I will try to keep up this blog, because I enjoy it and it helps me. However I can only write something when I’m really inspired to, and I don’t want to keep posting things which aren’t going to make people happy. I think I’ve done too much of that.

So thank you for reading. I will try to write some things which I care about and which will have some sort of positive influence, but if there are no posts for a while…well, you know why.

But don’t worry about me, I am ok, I’ve been worse, I’m just not great. I hope that you are doing better 🙂


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An Update on my Life and Blog – Summer

As of 3:01 pm today, I have officially finished A-Levels and college!!! 😀 As I’m sure you can imagine, I am incredibly happy about this. I am sad about finishing college, but we already did the emotional last day when we finished for study leave. The past week in particular has been incredibly tough, so more than anything I now just feel free, and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. To put my feelings into LOTR terms (films, I’m hoping to read the books once my sister finishes), a month and a half ago I changed my iPod lock screen to this:
IMG_1362 (a failed attempt to stop myself from procrastinating on there)
And today I have changed it to this:
I think most of my exams went quite well, one of the Maths was horrible, and today’s General Studies wasn’t great, but that was mainly because I couldn’t be bothered. It’s just under two months until results, I wish it were sooner, but there’s nothing I can do now so I shall try not to think about it much.

So this all obviously means quite a big change in my life. And in three months everything will change again, even more, when I (hopefully) move to university, but I thought I would use this opportunity to update anyone reading this on what I’m going to be doing with myself, and the effect that has on my blog.

This summer I have quite a few trips and holidays planned, about which I am very excited. For the time that I am at home, I’ve made a list of things I want to do or achieve (I’m hoping to do some of at least one of these things everyday, so I don’t waste the summer). These will probably already have more added to them by the time anyone reads this, but here is my list and reading pile for far:
IMG_1360 IMG_1359
The one uncertainty at the moment is that on Monday I had a job interview (just what I needed in between exams). It is cover work at a local Dairy Farm and consists of putting pots of yogurt, cream, or cottage cheese into boxes, and putting those boxes onto a conveyor belt. Needless to say, I would rather spend my summer doing other things, but I need the money and experience, and it did seem a nice place to work. So I’m still waiting to hear whether I’ll be working there all summer, just odd days, or not at all.

With regard to this blog, I’m not going to set myself any schedules or make commitments, because when I do, if I miss one I just can’t get back onto it (the past two ‘Why I Love Months‘ post will be out soon, promise). What I am going to say though, is I will be posting a lot this summer, hopefully most days when I’m home. I have loads of things that I’ve been waiting to write, so some will be well planned out writing with deep messages, some will just be ramblings about my life like this. Hopefully all will appeal to someone.

But this is where you come in. I have, I think, about 30 followers on here, which is amazing, thank you to everyone who’s followed me, liked a post, or even just read part of one. But at the moment my readers are just unreliable stats on my WordPress ‘dashboard’. I don’t want to be someone who says this at the end of every post, but it would make me very happy if more people ‘like’ my posts, only if, of course, you actually like it, and leave me comments saying what you think, so I can write stuff that people are going to be interested in and enjoy, and I can connect to my audience a bit more. Finally, I really feel like I have things I want to say, and want to get out there and have people read. So if you ever enjoy what I’ve written and think other people would, please send them a link, share on social media, whatever, it really would mean so much to me.
Thank you, and wherever you are, I hope you are having a nice day