You may have noticed a lack of exciting, varied, inspiring posts on this blog lately. I did say at the end of the summer that I would be posting less now I’m all busy with uni, but I had still hoped to write more than this, and I want to explain why I haven’t.
When I started this blog I was at a point in my life where I was starting to feel properly happy, on a day to day basis. It was about a year after my best friend had died, and while I hadn’t been completely, constantly upset and mourning her for that whole year, it was like her death reset my default mood. So how I felt when there was nothing happening to change my mood was just not as good as how it had been at an earlier point in my life. I was fine, but it just took that little bit more to make me happy, and didn’t take much for me to feel very sad. After breaking up with my boyfriend who I’d been heavily relying on, I had to really work to be happy again. I started really focussing on happiness in my life, I did the #100HappyDays challenge, I started this blog, and I did get to that point. I still missed my friend a lot, thought about her every day, and that often made me sad. But in general I was optimistic and cheerful. I would still have swapped my life for hers in an instant, but since that couldn’t be done, I set about loving the life which I did have. And I wrote this blog to spread that feeling, I wanted to make other people happy, and help them if they weren’t.
Lately, I’m afraid I’ve been doing not so good again. I’ve moved half way across the country and despite all the wonderful things here it doesn’t feel right. I miss that friend more than ever and think about all the things I should have done to help her all the time. Although we never spoke about her much, I miss being around people who knew her/about her, and in places where she’d been. I feel so far away from her. I can’t relate her to my life now because, like it or not, I’m an adult, life is different and I can’t know what kind of adult she would be. I miss my old friends and my old life. And that cheerful person who sees the good in everything is not me at the moment.
And the thing is, I realised what part of the problem is. I miss the way things used to be so much that a deep part of me doesn’t want to be happy and settled here, because that means accepting that the past is really gone. It was the same before; I had told her so many times that I couldn’t live without her, it seemed wrong that I was doing so. I didn’t want to close to new friends because doing so meant letting her go a little bit.
I got to the point before where I finally accepted I had to be happy. But even having realised this, I don’t feel like I can do it right now.
I am trying, but I know it has got to come from me, and it is hard. But I will get there again one day.
In the meantime I will try to keep up this blog, because I enjoy it and it helps me. However I can only write something when I’m really inspired to, and I don’t want to keep posting things which aren’t going to make people happy. I think I’ve done too much of that.
So thank you for reading. I will try to write some things which I care about and which will have some sort of positive influence, but if there are no posts for a while…well, you know why.
But don’t worry about me, I am ok, I’ve been worse, I’m just not great. I hope that you are doing better 🙂