Be Nice It's Tuesday


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A Lack of Cheer

Hello there

You may have noticed a lack of exciting, varied, inspiring posts on this blog lately. I did say at the end of the summer that I would be posting less now I’m all busy with uni, but I had still hoped to write more than this, and I want to explain why I haven’t.

When I started this blog I was at a point in my life where I was starting to feel properly happy, on a day to day basis. It was about a year after my best friend had died, and while I hadn’t been completely, constantly upset and mourning her for that whole year, it was like her death reset my default mood. So how I felt when there was nothing happening to change my mood was just not as good as how it had been at an earlier point in my life. I was fine, but it just took that little bit more to make me happy, and didn’t take much for me to feel very sad. After breaking up with my boyfriend who I’d been heavily relying on, I had to really work to be happy again. I started really focussing on happiness in my life, I did the #100HappyDays challenge, I started this blog, and I did get to that point. I still missed my friend a lot, thought about her every day, and that often made me sad. But in general I was optimistic and cheerful. I would still have swapped my life for hers in an instant, but since that couldn’t be done, I set about loving the life which I did have. And I wrote this blog to spread that feeling, I wanted to make other people happy, and help them if they weren’t.

Lately, I’m afraid I’ve been doing not so good again. I’ve moved half way across the country and despite all the wonderful things here it doesn’t feel right. I miss that friend more than ever and think about all the things I should have done to help her all the time. Although we never spoke about her much, I miss being around people who knew her/about her, and in places where she’d been. I feel so far away from her. I can’t relate her to my life now because, like it or not, I’m an adult, life is different and I can’t know what kind of adult she would be. I miss my old friends and my old life. And that cheerful person who sees the good in everything is not me at the moment.

And the thing is, I realised what part of the problem is. I miss the way things used to be so much that a deep part of me doesn’t want to be happy and settled here, because that means accepting that the past is really gone. It was the same before; I had told her so many times that I couldn’t live without her, it seemed wrong that I was doing so. I didn’t want to close to new friends because doing so meant letting her go a little bit.

I got to the point before where I finally accepted I had to be happy. But even having realised this, I don’t feel like I can do it right now.

I am trying, but I know it has got to come from me, and it is hard. But I will get there again one day.

In the meantime I will try to keep up this blog, because I enjoy it and it helps me. However I can only write something when I’m really inspired to, and I don’t want to keep posting things which aren’t going to make people happy. I think I’ve done too much of that.

So thank you for reading. I will try to write some things which I care about and which will have some sort of positive influence, but if there are no posts for a while…well, you know why.

But don’t worry about me, I am ok, I’ve been worse, I’m just not great. I hope that you are doing better 🙂

 

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My Life in Quotes #7

February 2015:
I will always hold for you a place within my heart.

I lean in to kiss you, and I get no warning, as we both forget the world.

March 2015:
The days move so slowly but the years they fly by,
There are moments that each of us would like to rewind.

April 2015:
When did life become so complicated? Years of too much thought and time I wasted

When did life become this place of madness? Drifting on an empty sea of waves and sadness?
I make believe I’m in control, and dream it wasn’t all my fault.

When your feet don’t touch the ground, when your voice won’t make a sound.
Here, it’s safe, in this place, up off the clouds.
When your feet don’t touch the earth, you can’t feel the fates that hurt
And you’re free, there’s no need to come down. 

Everyday just feels a little longer, why am I the only one not getting stronger?
Running around pretending life’s a play, it doesn’t make the darkness go away.
I may be young but I can still remember, feeling full of joy, crying tears of laughter
Now all my tears are all cried out, make believe, but count me out.
‘Cause my feet are on the ground, and the inner voice I found tells the truth,
“There’s no use, if your head’s in the clouds”
With my feet on solid earth, I can face the fates that hurt,
And in time, I’ll be fine, I’ll come ’round.

Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up, could still be little
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up, it could still be simple

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.


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Fire

I don’t know if any of you have seen the film Leap Year – if not then I would recommend it – but there’s a bit of it where the main man asks the main woman what she would save if there was a fire and she only had a few moments to save something. I would imagine a lot of people have idly wondered that at some point or other – I know when I was younger I thought I would definitely save my teddies, now I think my hard drive would be slightly more likely, for the photos more than anything else. It’s one of those things where you think you can’t know until it actually happens. But I discovered yesterday, that dramatic moment of decision makes a good film, but isn’t realistic.

Yesterday evening I was in the kitchen of my student flat with some friends when the fire alarm went off. There was the usual moaning and grumbling, I went to my room to grab my keys and put on shoes and a coat, thinking only of what I’d need for standing outside for the next 15 minutes or so until they could switch off the fire alarm. Everyone assembled right outside – some people even still inside – and had a bit of a grumble about the inconvenience, until suddenly the campus security were telling us that there actually was a fire, and we needed to move further away. By the time the third fire engine turned up I was really starting to worry. When I started uni I brought with me a lot of the really important things, things I didn’t think I could live without. I didn’t want to lose all of those. Not to mention that I had my ‘cello in my room, which I don’t usually.

Someone in one of the flats had put a pan of oil in the switched off oven for storage (what?) then their flatmate switched the oven on and left it to cook his food. Then there was a small explosion. Thankfully it was a very small explosion, and their firedoors were closed, so no one was hurt and, despite the somewhat leisurely pace of the firemen, the fire was extinguished in time. That kitchen has been ruined, and the bedrooms of that flat had some smoke damage, but that was it. But it could have been so much worse. A few weeks ago another residence had a fire which destroyed a large part of the building and many people lost everything. But even then, no one was hurt.

When the fire alarm went off, I didn’t make a quick decision of whether to save anything (which, by the way, you shouldn’t anyway. Your life is so much more important than even the most treasured possession), we were in no hurry to leave the building, because it just never crossed anyone’s mind that it was actually a real fire. I don’t know what it’s like in other countries, but we have so many fire drills, faulty fire alarms and false alarms from burnt toast (or hair…year 9 science lesson) that people don’t worry. Which is good. But I think we sometimes need to remember that fires do actually happen. I remember a few years ago I was nearly asleep in bed at home when the fire alarm went off. I lay for a few moments trying to block it out, then went downstairs to ask my mum to switch it off (she’d been ironing right beneath the alarm). Again, I just didn’t bother with that fact that it could have been an actual fire.

So please, just remember that, yes 99% of the time it’s just a drill and they are a pain, but fires do happen. Students are given endless fire safety talks in the first few weeks of term, but that stuff is really important, for everyone. Basic cooking and fire safety – it’s mainly common sense. Just take it seriously. I’m sure everyone here will be much more careful – for a few weeks at least. And in the meantime I’ve decided to make a precaution of actually doing what we were advised to do in year 7; putting all my photos and important documents onto a memory stick which I will send to my parents and back up everytime I go home.

Stay safe everyone 🙂


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My Life in Quotes #6

November 2014:
And I wasn’t looking for a promise or commitment, but it was never just fun and I thought you were different.
This is not the way you realise what you wanted, it’s a bit too much, too late if I’m honest.

And all that we ignored was opened to our eyes
And we’ll be complicated, complicated, complicated,
They said we would be complicated, complicated, complicated they said.

We’ve bent the rules, played the games, and never said we felt the same.
We ended things like we began, and feared what we became

Oh, we’ll have to go, back to the way that we were,
Before we were us, before I was me,
Before we were happier than I’ve ever been, than you’ll ever see,
‘Cause that’s the way it has to be.

Oh I hate those voices telling me I’m not enough anymore,
But they don’t give me a choice and that’s what these tears are for.

December 2014:
And any secret I’ve been keeping, I wanna tell you right now.

Sometimes it’s hard to close a door, the future can be cold,
Another year has turned and you’re not here.

January 2015:
I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that
Every time I don’t, I almost do.

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.

At least I fucking tried

I may be down but I’m coming back fighting.

As always these are quotes owned by copyright holders, not my own words, I have merely chosen them to convey a message. I recommend reading the posts in this category in order, starting here. Click here for the next instalment.