*Disclaimer* ~ These are some really big issues, so before I start I want to make it clear that I’m not pretending to know everything or have all the answers, I have not researched what I’m about to write, nor is it supposed to be representative of all people, or even a majority. These are just some thoughts I’ve had, based entirely on my own personal experiences.
Last October I was in Berlin. There was a group of three boys with whom I spent a lot of time; the one who is now my boyfriend, and two whom I shall call the polite one and the one who likes guns. My boyfriend doesn’t drink alcohol, but the rest of us were making the most of the lower drinking age in Germany by having a glass or two of beer or wine.On the first night, the friend who likes guns offered to buy the round of drinks, so the next night to polite friend paid for us. The one who likes guns suggested that my boyfriend could buy a round the following night, then on the last night we paid for ourselves. When I asked when it was my turn to pay, especially since my boyfriend was always getting the cheapest drinks, the two who are not my boyfriend were almost horrified by the suggestion and assured me that I did not need to pay, they were doing it. I’m fairly sure chivalry was mentioned in there somewhere. I was torn about this. Sure, it was very nice to go out for a meal, have a glass of wine, and only pay for the food, nice to be looked after and spoiled a bit. But I am a feminist, and I thought, well why should they be forced to pay just because they’re men? Are they saying that women are superior so should have things bought for them? Or is it that a girl couldn’t possibly be able to take care of herself, she has to rely on men for everything? Either one of those would be wrong. I did end up buying drinks for them on the last night, but I didn’t bother trying to explain to them that they’re not obliged to buy things for women.
Last Thursday was my friend’s 18th Birthday, and the last day of term, so a fairly large group of us went out for a meal then to a pub to celebrate. I knew that I’d be going home late, and didn’t want to pay for a taxi, so I had considered asking if anyone would walk home with me then stay at mine because where I live is quite out of the way, but in the end I just decided to walk with a friend who lives on my way home then do the last bit alone. My sisters always say they weren’t allowed to walk home on their own at night, which is probably mainly because they generally went out together, but I think it does worry my parents a bit. I don’t mind walking around at night, but if I’m on my own I stick to bigger roads when possible, try to remember to take something reflective, don’t listen to music so I can hear what’s around me, keep my phone out so if I have to go past anyone who worries me I can pretend to be talking to someone. And I’m quite confident (some would say stupid) with it; I know girls my age who would never walk home on their own after dark. At the meal on Thursday I was talking to a friend with whom I’ve often had problems in the past, he can be quite…insensitive. Or to put it bluntly, very offensive. But he’s been alright lately, so I was talking to him about how I was getting home, and he was shocked by how much I’d had to think it all through – whereas he just wouldn’t think twice about going home alone – and the fact that I think when I move to a city I won’t go out on my own at night. He’s been known to be quite sexist and inconsiderate, but he actually said to me Is that what it’s like being a girl, you don’t feel safe even round here, you have to think about all of that?
I think though, although it’s generally viewed as being a problem for girls, I don’t worry about being attacked or whatever because I’m a girl. For me, I think the risk comes with the fact that I am very small and therefore quite weak (which I suppose, on average more girls are than boys). I am often acutely aware that if anyone wanted to do something to me, most of them could do so easily and there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. It would be interesting to see generally how much size/strength of males and females has and effect on perceived safety.
When I was at that party on Thursday, I was wearing a lacy top, a black skirt which I will admit was rather short and tight, and some tights with a pattern of hearts up the back. Two of my friends called me a prostitute, and one of those (and another one) also said I looked like a slut. This didn’t bother me too much; they’re my friends, I know and they know that I am not a slut or a prostitute, and to be honest, I was happy with how I looked so I didn’t really care what they thought. It does always irritate me a bit though when people think it’s OK to pass comments on people like that. And then I was struck by the fact that, when I was walking home and passed the one other person I saw on the walk, as I approached I automatically pulled my skirt down to make it longer. Why should I have to feel like I need to cover up a prescribed amount of my body to protect myself? It goes back to everything about people thinking the best rape prevention is to teach girls not to get attacked, or that if you’re dressed provocatively then you’re asking for it anyway. And yet that was so deeply ingrained in me that I didn’t think twice, there’s a man there, I need to make sure I don’t look tempting or whatever. (It should be noted that this man and his small dog in no way posed a threat. As I walked past, the dog came to have a sniff, at that point the man noticed and did the general nod/murmered greeting that us Yorkshire folk do upon seeing a stranger, as though nothing was more normal that taking your dog for a stroll through the village at 1 in the morning.)
Finally, there’s a lot on the internet at the moment about protecting people (not just women) from rape and sexual assault, and this is a good thing. There are many different parts to this, so there’s no way of generalising or finding any one answer. One big problem isn’t people getting attacked by strangers (as they’re walking home alone in the middle of the night obviously), but people who are in relationships where one of them pushes too far, or they do something then one changes their mind and gets angry. So I guess I wanted to finish by talking about my current relationship, to show that not every relationship goes wrong, there are good people out there. I’m not going to go into details, but I think many people would think me strange for how little I’ve done in that department as a 17 year old who’s had two long term boyfriends. I don’t really see anything wrong with people who have done more, I’ve just never wanted to. A lot of that stuff just scares me really. So I’ve told my boyfriend that. Any times we’re together we constantly ask each other if we’re OK. One time something happened which I was fine with at the time but did change my mind, I told him, he felt the same, everything was fine. Later this week he’s invited me round, he told me his mum will be out, but we had a discussion, we set down ground rules of anything we don’t want to happen, so now I can look forward to spending a nice day with him without any pressures or expectations on either of us. So my advice to anyone would be, whatever you want from a relationship, find someone who thinks the same, and communicate, listen, and respect each other. If only it were always that simple.