Be Nice It's Tuesday

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How not to express emotions

As I may have mentioned before, I’m not always the best at opening up about my emotions to other people, or even to myself. This may just be a problem I have, but there are a few things that I think have made it worse. Firstly my friends, I no longer have one, constant, go to person. There are two girls I was best friends with since we were born, but the one I was always closer to died at the beginning of last year and the other one I still get on with very well but don’t see as often. I’d also spent two years spending most my time with my boyfriend, so when we broke up this April I discovered how much I’d drifted away from all my other friends. Then at home it’s not much better, with all my parents attention focussed on my sister who has anxiety problems, and my Mum is often very stressed too, so I don’t want to load more problems on them, so I hide my feelings away and they think I’m fine, so then I feel even more over looked. (Although I’ve spoken to my other sister about this, they’re both at Uni but she told me to ring her whenever I need someone to talk to).
But this wasn’t meant to be a depressing blog, more a warning about the effects that this can have. I’m really not looking forward to going back to College on Monday, and no one has questioned me saying that, after all, who really wants holidays to end? But just now I was texting a friend and when I said that he replied ‘Why?’ I hadn’t really thought about why, but I started typing a reply, and suddenly all these worries and fears I didn’t even realise I had came out. I pressed send before I could think better of it, and my friend coped very well with my mini break down, he sent me loads of replies with reasons not to worry, and generally made me feel much better.
So what I was hoping to do here is to highlight the importance of looking after your emotions, always try and work out why you’re feeling something because only then can you attempt to tackle it. Also look after the other people in your life, take time to build strong relationships – I’ve been trying to spend time with friends individually so we can talk properly (also because I don’t like big groups) and always ask about how other people are, because like me they may just need someone to ask the right question. Just make sure you’re ready for whatever answer you get.
That’s all for now, hope you’re having a lovely day 🙂


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Mission Accomplished

I like being happy. And I like making other people happy. For quite a while though, one thing I’ve really wanted to achieve has been for other people’s happiness to matter more to me than my own. It often does, but selfishness is very hard to over come.
Last Thursday I was in the computer room of the Leisure Centre near where I was on holiday, logging in to get my AS results, and I’ll be honest I was upset. I’d done well, just not quite what I wanted, and it took me by surprise the way these things can when you’ve been waiting so long to find out. Then into the room came on of my ‘friends’, by which I mean a member of one of the other families we see on holiday, but a girl I don’t really like, who was getting her A-Level results. And she did fantastic. She was obviously so happy about her results, and even though I don’t get on with her, and I was disappointed with mine, seeing someone else that happy cheered me up, and then I realised that that was what I’ve been after. Now saying ‘mission accomplished’ is probably an over exaggeration, these things generally take constant effort, but I was pleased.
Later I heard the girl on the phone to her sister, saying how last year she was crying because she was disappointed with her AS results, and this year she was crying with happiness, so that also made me feel better about my marks.

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Right Now

Thursday 7th August, 2014. 3:45pm approx.

Right now I am here. Sitting on a little ledge of rock, slightly out of sight from the beach either side. Below my feet are swirls of water as the gentle waves crash around the rocks, the water is perfectly clear here, but further away it is light turquoise, deepening to a dark blue out in the bay. The sky above is blue, just now momentarily disturbed as an air force practice plane rumbles by. The rocks are warm where the sun strikes them, but my feet remain cool in the shade. Similarly the sun warming – hopefully not burning – my skin is contrasted by the ever-fluctuating breeze. Above the sound of the swelling sea I can make out the happy cries of families enjoying the rare day of nice Scottish weather; the steady thump of a speed boat in the bay.
I am exhausted after a night of ceilidh dancing, then adventuring round the beach and campsite with recently made friends; meeting strange people by a bonfire, then creeping to bed in that time which can’t quite be classed as late at night or early in the morning. Eventually falling asleep only to be woken less than four hours later by my family going out. But when it became apparent that I was, in fact, awake, I made the most of the morning by getting out of bed for a peaceful walk across the quiet beaches.
I’m shivering in the wind now, and the tide has been creeping higher while I’ve been writing this. There’s the sunny heat again but I feel cold just at the thought of the swim I committed to in the frigid ocean later today.
I have dried and peeling soles of feet; sand ingrained on all exposed skin; a sore back from the caravan mattress; insect bites and stings on my legs.
I am here, right now, and I am happy.